for more than a month, a strange feeling was bothering me.. the questions of "what if?" or "how am i supposed.." that kept running on my mind... i knew it would took me more than enough strenght to face the answers in these questions... and i am just glad i did! after days and nights of praying to grant me enough strenght and wisdom.. after being so paranoid about the situation... after thinking of proper excuses to defend my side..finally, i made it! yesterday!

i remembered before leaving the house, i have been praying that may i speak the right words.. may i do the right actions... and that my eyes would reveal my sincerity.... though i haven't come yet to the finale of my thoughts, but at least i already made a first step... all i have to do is to be consistent to my statements and continuously seek the help of our Lord... in the least possible way, i am very very thankful for the strength..

lesson learned: 1. do not be over paranoid... the more you think of so many possibilities, the more you'll get bothered...nothing's wrong in anticipating the possibilities of the future... but do not complicate them... it would be better to face the future with full confidence and at the same time, "chill" mode... 2. seek the help of other people... your friends are there to enlighten you... in times like this, that you are bothered and pressured, you fail to see the bigger picture of the outside world.. we have people around us to describe the situation from the outside perspective... they are ready to suggest what could be done, and give them the due credit of consideration... however, the final decision have to come from you, and no one else! 3. and finally, seek the help of God... in everything you do, just pray to Him and lift up everything to Him.... pray that you will be granted wisdom and courage... all you have to do is trust Him! of course, do not forget to do your part, as the saying goes: "do your best and God will do the rest!"...... believe me, it's tried and tested... it worked for me for so many times!!!!!

soon enough, days from now, another school year i have to face... just ended my practicum, and now, i am to face another year in CAS... as a SENIOR stud! oh my!!! am i this old enough??? nah!!!! what matters for me are all the experiences i had and the lessons i learned... i met a lot of people and faced a lot of obstacles... i am just thankful coz they all made me a better person...

it's the official end of our practicum.. i went to rehab on civilian attire.. as i entered PGH,i felt something different. for more than a month i have been wearing white uniform, that i directly pass the guards without inspecting my bag.. but now, i am back to the old routine of passing those entrances... i have to present my id in order to escape answering their questions of where i would be heading...

the clinical experience is really a test of friendship.. it gave me grounds to get to know people whom i have been with more years but because of failure to get to know them deeper as they deserve, i was not able to recognize what they could be more than what i have known... i haven't explored those people to their cores... i am indeed thankful that a chance was given to me to bond with them and get to know them... those people are great! i do not need to seclude my self in my own peer group...

another test of friendship is by managing how to deal with them... just this afternoon, i got irritated to the attitude of some of my colleagues.... i did not get mad at the person/s but with the attitude they showed... if you were given a task, you are responsible for attending to it, right? if you could not afford to attend to it, however, you could speak out earlier, or better yet, seek the help of other people, in a nice way.. it is really frustrating.... more, if it only happened once, but more than that, something is wrong... i know there are peple who are really passive... each one of us has different attitudes... but i do not want to risk a friendship because of those shallow issues... they are not big deal anyways... each one of us has views things differently.. they have their minds.. they are capable to do what they want or what they think is right... i do not want to become an intruder to their lives, or to anyone's life.. i have to gauge the person first and foremost and do the next step after assessing him/her... what ever actions i do to other people should be careful, in positive or negative way.. even in words that i say...

i do not have any intentions of destroying a friendship or any relationship i have with other people in very silly and petty matter... when i am mad, or disappointed, i make it to a point that after bursting for a while, past is past... i do not have to recall the past bitterness because it will only prevent me from moving on... i am not perfect anyways... i have my own shortcomings.. and who am i to have a stone heart?

hay.... it's almost 1am... and i am still in front of my laptop doing some stuff on the net... upload files.. download photos... hay! so many requirements for the practicum... i wonder what could have happen tomorrow? tomorrow would be a toxic day... expecting, i will be having my BMT session with one of my ADHD patient... then as far as i know, our "in-mates" group will be handling patients from the out patient group in order to balance the number of patients each of the interns handled... well, that would be fine.. because, i honestly missed being in the OUT....

four more days to go before we finally say good bye to our clinical practicum.. back again to classroom based learning after this... hay... another sem of so many experiences, so many toxicities, and so many fun... (i hope..hehe)... but i regret nothing being in the clinical setting...so many things i discovered... so many friends i gained... so many relationships built among my co-interns, which turns out to be good... so many new knowledge as well as application of such knowledge... i guess my expectations were met... more than what i have expected actually...

actually, the only dilemma that has no solution as of the moment is how will i survive AY 06-07.. not because i am graduating, or i have more responsibilities, but what bothers me a little bit is my finances.. i really dunnow where should i get my allowance... i haven't received any reply yet from my auntie and uncle... and to add up to my dilemma, no response heard from the companies i have applied for... i think i would really want to work... i hope i could manage... i wanted to prove something to my self.. but what i fear is the risk that i would be taking, if ever, that i MIGHT be sacrificing my chances of graduating with honors.. i really do not know... i wish i could find the answers soon... that is what i have always been praying.. though i worry about such things, but only quite of it... i feel that i do not need to worry too much, to the point that i could hardly function smoothly... i believe God will not give me these problemes if i could not handle them at all... with the great prayers i accompany in this struggle, i believe i should fear nothing.. and that believe that God is there Who would never let go of me... i just lift up everything to Him... i really really pray that soon the answers would come... i pray that may they reply to me...

I do not feel well today…. The worse feeling one could ever have is the feeling of having colds and cough…. With irritating feeling of being deprived from breathing freely and tasting the palatability of food you eat… and to make things worse, the sound of coughing that when you are placed in the middle of silence, a roaring king of the jungle or a can being pulled on a concrete floor, is outstanding… papansin! It would be better if it is for a good cause or you benefit from the act of pagpapapansin… but hey, you only cause distraction from other people…

I hate this feeling.. I tried taking medicines… but still I don’t feel well. This afternoon, I slept for about an hour in our callroom… had a slight fever, and I was really emotionally bothered… I pray that my illness would soon disappear… coz I feel I am not functioning well.. I could not enjoy things around me no matter how hard I try to…

Lord, I pray to give me physical strength in order to manage other aspects of my life…

i honestly got depressed, just recently... as i opened my mail, i was hoping to receive a positive response.. the only thing that i see as a solution to my problems... and until now, there was no definite plan on how should i go on with my senior year.. i was hoping to receive a reply that regards to my allowance problems... but then, try to look at the bright side... though my expectations of reading a positive response did not turn out as it is, i still got a response of thanks and appreciation on the mother's day ecard from my auntie.. it's a good feeling when you receive a thank you from something you did but not expecting anything in return... a simple thank you means a lot! i would like to rationalize this way: may be, they are still discussing on the boards about my situation... if should they consider me or not... hay.. i pray hard that the former would be the decision...

so many suprising things happened today.. though.. just like a few seconds ago.. there was a sudden cut of electricity.... and the raining is currently pouring fast and hard... i could hear the heavy drops from my room here in the dormitory... whew!

then this morning, i had my first behavior modification technique session with my patient who happens to have ADHD... at first, it was my boss who handled, as i was observing... then later on, she let me handle it and left me alone with the patient... it's a good thing that one of my co-interns was there to assist me... somehow i could say that i was able to establish a rapport with him (my px).... he remembers my name... though at first he was hard headed, later on he behaved.. there was even one incident with which i was really touched... after he did what was asked from him to do, he sat on my lap and lean his face on my shoulders... the same thing he did to his parents... that kid was really malambing.. i really appreciated it and suddenly became soft-hearted towards him....

then, this afternoon, as i was having my follow up with my patients, i was in the ward and left my celfone on my bag... when i went back to our callroom, and looked at my celfone, there was one miscall that appeared...from an unknown landline number... i was worried that it could have been from the tutorial center that i applied for.. when i arrived to the dorm, my friend was waiting for me there.. i told her about that incident, and she suggested me to call back that numbr..so stupid of me, i did not think of that! and so i called... it was from Convergys... the call center i applied for...the person on the other line said that they will call me tomorrow for my schedule... hay.. it's a call center... if that job is for me, then may be i would survive...if not, i am prepared...

then grocery day! gosh, money just slip from my hands... i purchased few items worth php250... gosh, that is very expensive... buying only a few snacks and some toiletries, it totalled that much! hay!!!!

i was supposed to have dinner with my blockmates today, unfortunately, it was postponed because the boyfriend of one supposedly be with that dinner, surprised her... (i just noticed, this day was the boyfriend day!2 of my co-interns were visited by their lovechuva in the ward today! and one even bought us yakult and cotton candy...hmmm... that's good!hehe)....

so i just decided to eat dinner after grocery with irene... we ate at isawan! to my surprise, i saw "him" walking along the street where the isawan was located... he was not with his brod, so i guess he's his soon-to-be classmate in med school! i guess they are already working on their admission for the college of med this june! the funny thing is, i found my self following him... i was walking at their backs, very careful that i have to hide on the cars in order not to be seen.. but they stopped at the corner of the street, so i had to stay behind the cars that were parked on the street, fearing that i might be seen... they stayed there for a long time.. so i decided to retreat and go back to the isawan with my friend.. gosh! i did not expect it... there was a sudden rush... but unlike before, i could control it not to last for long time... so we ate our dinner, when the heavy rains fell... his brod and his brod's gf happen to be there too... and when the rain poured down, they sit in the same table as ours... but no big deal... we have our own conversation, and so they were...i just thought, what if "he" was back to his boarding house, with which he could see his brod, he could have stayed there too... oh my, i bet, i would not be able to eat well if that happened... good thing, it did not! after dinner, we went back to rob, hopefully i could find him again.. but it was a failure... i just saw his other brod in powerbooks... hehe... with that, i was once again reminded to be satisfied... i was just thankful that i saw him, in the most unexpected way! and i could say that the feelings i have for him are not that as intensed as before.... as in totally far...

hay... i am carrying so many burdens... so many things to do and think... but if i let them affect and conquer my whole self, damn, i'll definitely get crazy.. so right now, i am doing my best to chill... actually, the worst thing that bothers me is my allowance... monetary problems.. until now, there is no concrete answer to my problem... i am just thankful, that a good friend of mine who already graduated and experienced worse of what i am experiencing now, understands my situation! she lend me an amount that is helpful... i just have to think on how should i repay her... i just pray, so hard, that may there be answers to my problems.... Lord, i lift up everything to you... i ask for finances, and the most important thing, is Your grace, to keep me strong and keep my faith on your side all the time, despite the negatives that i encounter... Lord, i lift up everything to You!

the storm Caloy hit the country.. with howling winds and non-stop rains... many places were affected, and one of them is Batangas... i was not able to go home this weekend... well, my primary reason was that i am off from a job-hunting... and another, is that, i have heard that the winds are so strong and it's raining... and make things worse, there is no electricity since last night, and until now, that my mom texted me and asked me if i would be arriving.. too bad on mothers' day, i was not home...

this day is an adventure.. my adventure started yesterday, off from my duty as early as 12pm, so i grabbed the opportunity to find for a job.. though i am aware that there is a storm, and that the MEtro Manila area is signal 1, i still took the risk.. i first went to commonwealth, at English Channel company, which i heard from my co-interns Dianne and EJ... i was not familiar with the place.. i just took an SM Fairview fx as instructed, and with the landmarks given to me, thank God, i arrived... somehow i told my self that i have passed the place... then there, i saw a green building right next to Convergys, with me is my resume, kinda wet because of the rains... i went up to the 4th floor, then headed towards their office.. but to my surprise, even during application processes, i should have with me an NBI clearance, which i do not have yet.. they are also asking for my TCG, and of course, pictures... too bad, my prepared resume was not used.. then thinking about that, i decided to try in Convergys, though i really have no plans of working on call centers... it was a wow, that the people in call centers really are English speaking!!! as in like, **Nosebleed!!**..... i just submitted my resume, and filled up a piece of paper asking for some information... then i left, without asking whatever the next step would be.. maybe i got intimidated by the woman on the front desk....

then i have to make my way to Megamall for my plan B, in AHEAD tutorial center... from commonwealth, i really do not know how to go to mega... plus, with the heavy rains, the more i was pushed to ride a cab.. but then i observed that something is wrong with the meter of that cab... we have not reached Philcoa yet, and the meter was already pHp70... take note: there was no traffic! then i just took off at MRT station, anticipating the traffic in EDSA that would have reached my fare in pHp500....

then i arrived at mega... not knowing again where the AHEAD tutorial center is located, i went straight to 4th floor, walked the entire floor looking for the center.. i really do not know how it looked like... i walked and walked, not knowing i reached the other end, realizing i was already in bldg B.. it's a good thing that i bribed my self that i'll try going to 5th floor for the last time... and if i would not be able to find it, then i will go home... as i walked and walked, i finally saw the center... i submitted my resume... they asked me if i would want to take the exam right then and there, however it will take 3 hours... so i re-scheduled the following day, which is today, 1pm... and because of my scheduled exam, i decided to sleep at my aunt's house in kingsville, antipolo. it's a blessing in disguise that she happened to be in megamall that day...

so this morning, i woke up late, around 9am..i ate, took a bath, and fixed my self... from kingsville, i really don't have any idea how to get to megamall... again and again, i just took the risk from my aunt's directions, that i have to go to sta. lucia, then from there, there are jeepneys going cainta/junction... i have no idea how the places look like... then my aunt said that i would see a stop light, then go down, then there are fx going megamall... i am thankful for being blessed with sense of direction... hehe.... i was able to take the test, though i was 30 minutes late.. too bad... anyweiz, the exam was like the upcat... basic.. but what i fear is that because the exam was too simple that they might be hiring the ones who have the top scores... hay.... but i wanted that work... adventure, new world, new experience, and it is what we call service...

good luck for me.. but then, if i fail, i won't stop from trying and trying... how i just wish things will be ok soon... i have to be positive and strive hard... i want to prove something to my self.. i have fears though, but as long as i believe that God is there for me, i am determined to stay strong and independent!!!!=p

what happened to my tag board? hmmmmm....*********.....********.........

i am right here in Pfizer.. finally making a move to search for answers on how will i survive this incoming school year... i have done the follow ups as well as the reports of my two patients..i only have one patient left... i have to wait still for one hour because she has a schedule on her PT and OT... with my two patients, i made presented a Johari Window... well, hopefully my patients were able and appreciate the objective of the activity.. i hope they did so....

is this the life of the in rotation? oh well, it is easy... but i am still looking at the excitement brought by the out rotation.... super full of fun! and very challenging....

i have to end this by now...in few minutes it's times up.... i only got an hour to stay here....

it's mom and dad's wedding anniversary.. for 26 years they have been together as husband and wife...wow!!! as far as i know, they celebrated the event by having a swimming outing with my brothers and sisters in Batangas, today, with my brother's gf... apparently, i was not able to make it because of my duty for practicum... but that is ok.. i just attended mass this morning for thanksgiving...

this is my official start in IN rotation... how was it? i would say i enjoyed it, a lot... knowing me, who was deprived of talking here in the dormitory, i would make up with the patients rather... sharing of thoughts, ideas, stories, interacting with them, given them pieces of advice.. i want doing those things... at first, there was a fear in me, especially with the patient in ward1, coz i have a feed back that he is always irritated... but instead of retreating, i took it as a challenge, and i will be challenged even at the end of the rotation... i want to gain their trust and make them feel comfy on my company... and with that, i would be able to help.... hay...

days have passed, and i know i have so many concerns, yet i could not write nor blog them coz every attempt that i made, i lose my mood and passion in writing... as if i were in a blank slate and my mind and my hands could not construct the proper thoughts i have... i still have lots of confusions... i confused in every decision i made... even as simple as "should i go home in batangas this weekend?" the answer would be why not, right? but then, by looking at the possible reasons why should i not, they are valid... like, my ortho sked, or go to ate's place for the installer and gift for buding, piled up paper works... what else? but the thing is, even in a very simple situation that requires very smple decision, i can't! darn!!!!!!

there are still so many thoughts i would love to share, but sometimes things are better spoken out than written... actually, i am just not in the mood... hay....

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY DAD AND MOM!!! I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH!!!!=p

a while ago, i feel like blogging..as in i've got lots of things to say... however, i fell out of the mood... i was uploading photos in friendster.. but it seems there are problems... damn... i got bad trip...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just took my supper.. and guess what it was: noodles... this is the consequence you get if you have to tie up your pockets to make sure you still have something to spend for tomorrow.. it means sacrificing even the thing that is most pleasurable to you: FOOD...

well then, just look at the good side though.. lately, i have observed that i am getting bigger and bigger.. it's about time to reduce my diet.. the next stop, i get to save money, which i think i really should.. poor life.. i do not know how will i survive next year.. i would like to see my senior life to be a fun and carefree, despite all the responsibilities which i know i would surely enjoy (thesis, BESTSOC, med application?).. i suddenly thought of questioning my application for med.. with all the financial difficulties faced by my family.. though i know there would be generous people who are willing to help.. but thinking about my family.. i hate the situation.. why should money be always the root of everything? why should the shortage of it affect one's life? should should it gives way for a person to make a choice and later on end on giving up her own happiness? i know i really wanted to pursue medicine.. but the ONLY thing that makes me doubt on pursuing my dream is my family.. if right now, financial difficulties are things that i experience, what more? but then, the present and real issue is that HOW SHOULD I SURVIVE SENIOR YEAR? i wanted to hate people yet i can't.. i could not afford to get mad at them coz in the first place, there is no valid reason.. and thinking at the past things that they have done for me, i'm such a bad person if i would do so.. but then, i am fed up with the situation that i am stuck to something that all i can do to get out is to help my self..!!!..

lots of ironic things i have to face this june.. like, i would want to concentrate on my studies, as much as possible, have high grades to graduate with honors.. and with be able to take the responsibilities in the organization as well as my church service.. but then, i also have to consider the possibility of finding a source of income.. my sister's currently unemployed.. i could not blame her, coz in the first place, in real life, i am not her responsibility, she already has a family of her own and well, a baby.. but what i would like to see is the help of a sister, of a family, coz it was a rule of the family who supported us in our college education.. why am i saying these words? am i becoming a bad girl? may be i am.. but what should i do then? i would like to say that i could do these things.. i could survive.. but hey, i am also rational enough to remember i am not a super woman! i also have my weaknesses, in fact, that is exactly how i feel right now, that i am a weak person.. a helpless girl, who looks as if always cool, chill, but deep inside me, i know i am carrying a burden.. and even right now, i could feel that i already started carrying the small portion of it.. i may be hard to understand, but the only person who could understand me is someone who undergoes the same dilemma as i do, and of course, someone who are willing to understand.. but i do not want people to pity me.. i also do not want to distub other people, coz i know, they also have their own things to do in their respective lives.. i do not want to become a burden to them.. but what should i do????

i have my friends whom i can talk these things on.. but still, each one of us also thinks of other responsibilities of their own.. i want to believe i could do past these things.. and i know, that as ling as i have God in my life, things will someday get better.. i do not want to let go of Him.. coz for me, even though the whole world turn their backs on me, He is there up above who will always be at my side and will never let me go.. i do believe.. it's tried and tested.. i would want to think, that there are reasons why these things happen, why do i have to encounter these events of my life, why i do have to think a lot on these matter.. i may have not known it as of the moment, but i am sure, time will come i would be thankful for this.... God please provide me with enough strenght of the body and mind.. and allow me to pass this obstacle and chapter of my life... and i know, i have friends, people i could talk to and who continuously bring joy to me.. they are God's creation, and i know they are sent to me for a purpose...that is, to make me feel how much He loves me....

Artist/Band: Underwood Carrie
Lyrics for Song: Jesus, Take The Wheel
Lyrics for Album: Some Hearts

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way to fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this all my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

my mind is currently preoccupied.. actually, i have been doing lots of thinking since this morning.. i know i have to let go of the things i have been thinking.. but then i do not know where and how to start..

all i could remember is that i felt totally sad today.. i was taking a bath with my tears falling from my eyes.. i know i have been undergoing lots of things lately.. but am i just too weak to face them detail by detail? i know i do not want to think about the things that bother my mind... but the more i hesitate to do so, the more i feel i am weak..

i have been praying that may God send me someone who could remind me of my spirituality and would help me light up the fire that i know little by little disappears.. my service seems out of tune.. i could no longer have my 10pm prayer time, though my celfone rings everyday that time, but i always fail to pray.. the worse thing, is that, i fail on purpose.. what is as short as 5minute prayer, right? i am really out of path.. even with lots of difficulties in life, as long as the fire is always on flame, things will go smoothly.. but i have been asking, what happened to that fire that once bloom? help... (oh please Lord, i really need guidance today.. how i wish i could talk to my brothers and sisters or anyone who would understand and listen to my grievances)...

i have been reading a book by Francis Kong: The Early Bird Catches the Worm but the Second Mouse Always Gets the Cheese... i have lots of realization.. the book is indeed great! i am not here to advertise the book, because first and foremost, it needs not too much publicity because it could be popular with the word of mouth, and in the first place, it was not made for publicity, but to help people be on the right track and how to deal life smoothly.. all of the articles are my favorite, but my most favorite part is "Things i can do today".. actually, it is about looking at the positive side of everyday life.. every small detail you encounter, be it good or bad.. as long as you try to appreciate and look at the bright side of everything, instead of keeping on complaining, life will go on lightly.. no matter how toxic or hagard the day is, or even things that you look forward, be thankful.. and try to squeeze out positive.. i hope i could always react on this perspective.. i admire people who could maintain this attitude.. actually, consciously speaking, i know i am keeping my self on this perspective.. but times, especially in "ngarag" moments, i tend to fail...like i think what is happening to me right now...

my sadness is once again rooted in my family.. the feeling of you want to blame someone for all the negative or unlucky things that happen, you cannot..for if you would ask, what benefit could i get? right? it is useless to blame other people, so for my side, i remain very passive about that.. i really really am undergoing very low moments right now.. (for the readers, whoever will be interested to read my blog, if ever there would be), you may think of me as an unusual person.. may be i am.. may be i am not.. all i know is that i have this feeling that i could not do anything to resolve the problem caused by other people.. if only people could lower their pride and learn to forgive and forget.. then there would be one happy family.. and the home would be created, full of love and care.. and if only i could do something, but i guess, i am not enough.. i do not want to lose hope, however, because little by little, the fire disappears, i have the tendency to give up and rather forget and allow these things to happen in my family.. i lift up everything to Him..

i just finished watching MARS... whaah!! it hit me.. can't get over with the story.. perhaps i am becoming an asianovela fan.. whatever! i really appreciated the show! it is not merely about love story.. but i admire the twistS... thumbs up!!! but then, i can't get over with Ling (Vic).. his character is a "wow"!!! every girl could want!!! i thought, does that kind of man with that kind of pure and unconditional love, willing to sacrifice everything and give up his pride and change, for the girl he loves, exists in real life? if he does, i hope i'll gonna meet him...i can't help it watching over and over again... hay.... feels good to be in love..