i feel so intoxicated... i want to get out of it... sleeping is indeed a pleasure, but it pisses me off that my tasks are delayed because i fell asleep all of a sudden... darn!

i would want to sleep and when i wake up, ooops, its graduation! but of course, that is impossible to happen.. it would probably be the graduation moment, but i am not part of it...

i could possibly be burned out these days... that hallucinations like these strike my mind... only got few weeks left before the end of the sem... so i wish myself goodluck! i know i can do this....!

whaah! Lord help me!

Lord,

oh help me... i feel guilty for i won't be able to meet my household tomorrow... i have been so preoccupied and things have been overlapping on my schedule... i feel guilty for giving up my household easily... though i did try hard enough to be able to accomplish my tasks, but the situation will not permit me to do so... i pray my babies will not take it against me Lord...

i pray Lord for your guidance.. with the three more weeks remaining for the semester, oh Lord please be with me all the way... as much as possible allow me not to be tempted to take the wrong paths.. i really would want to do things for your honor oh my Lord.. please keep me strong and faithful despite any tough moments i know i will be experiencing in days to come.. allow me to be strong not only for my self but also to the people whom i love and those who need me.. keep my service on fire all the times Lord God... direct me to where you would want me to be...

i really thank you Lord for all the blessings i have now.. for all the things i am experiencing right now Lord, be it good or bad... i owe a lot to you my God.. thank you for always keep on reminding me that you are there, thou there are times that i neglect you... i know you love me Lord, and i am thankful for having a Father like you Lord... i am sorry for hurting you sometimes, but thank you for being a forgiving Father..

just use me in which ever way You would want... use me for other people to see how great you are! thank you for choosing to reveal Your self to me my Father... this i pray...

AMEN....

need to hurry...im going home today..and it's 3:15pm... have to take a bath, fix my things.. and hurry to the terminal....

oh well... that's life! can't wait to see my bebe....

time check: 12:50 am...sept 17, 2006...

few hours from now, i have to refresh my self and prepare for another yfc event: sector sportsfest...

i just realize, people are so busy lately.... and as far as i know, i am also busy...as i jot down my things to do, the list does not stop from getting longer and longer... but why am i still here in front of my laptop, on line, friendster acct, blogging, and even chatting??? i know i am busy..but hey! as if i am wasting my time... oh my...

is this the way i handle toxicity..???... i just hope at the of the day, i would be able to accomplish everything i need to accomplish... or else...i have to face big consequence.... which i would never dream of!

catharsis again...well this time, for the nth time...its about love life... funny to think that like few days ago until yesterday, i considered myself very fine even though i have no lovelife.. i did not feel the feeling of emptiness and dryness...

but not until yesterday, i've realized that ooops... i might be getting hooked with someone... lately, i got to know a guy and we somehow become that close.. he is so nice... and fun to be with..at first i thought that i just enjoy his company, having no feelings of "kilig" whatsover... but then, i just realized, that even though there is no kilig factor whenever i am with him, i am happy just being with him... and its not a good sign for me... it really hurts me to identify what could have i feel for him.. it gives me the guilty feeling of looking beyond our friendship.. and it hurts me more of trying so hard to contain my emotions and keep on telling myself that there no malicious thoughts at all... yeah, i'm so guilty.. this person is so good and very caring, that made me develop special feelings for him...

i thought that having ultimate crush with someone you hardly talk to is difficult.. but developing a feeling with someone very close to you is twice difficult.. at least with someone whom i barely talked to or have not known at all, it would be easier to let go if given the chance of knowing him, or even what recently happened to me, i got to discover some stuff about him, made me realized that i should not hail him.. but with this dilemma i am facing.. this guy i am talking about..each day that we are together, i get to discover things about him.. i got to be closer to him... and makes me hard to detach... well, good thing i haven't reached the point of being so into him yet i am unconscious about it... making me realized that i could have been developing special feelings toward our friendship gave me the sign to detach a little bit...

honestly, my current situation is very hard to understand..even myself having difficulty of understanding what i have been into and even expressing what i really feel at all... i got to opened up with dormates... though i really did not name names... but a pretty bmi sis of mine suggested that i should detach for a while, until i find my self free of intentions toward him.. lesser text messages, lesser interactions with him..somehow i will limit the friendship, for a while... coz it really makes me feel guilty to befriend with someone whom i am having intentions.. it alarms me a lot to realize that being with him makes me happy instead of giving kilig feelings...

currently his life is well guided and well directed... and i do not have any plans of intruding in his plans... i am aware that he really likes someone else.. and i know the girl...a good choice! i'm pretty sure he could be happy with her... though not now, but maybe in the future... i would say i would be happy if he would pursue her, coz i think they deserve each other...but right now, i could not say that without being hurt.. i pray i could surpass the situation i am into.. and to be happy for them, at least for him, without pains on my part..

i told God, i have been heart broken for a lot of times... funny thing is, i am an NBSB, yet being heart broken...well frustrated is the perfect word... but why to do i need to feel that painful right now? and with him? the least person i expected... i would want to see every guy, as in every guy, as a brother in Christ... coz i used to believe that if that is the case, i would be able to deal with them truthfully... but why is it happening right now? i would want to disregard the pain... it is really not pain.. but this confusion i have been feeling...

i hope i would not be able to see you for a while..and may our paths cross when i am clear with my intentions already...the problem's not with him, but with me... i would really want to apologize to him for feeling this way towards him...though it would be very very impossible for him to know how sorry i am, coz i will never let anyone know at all!

love love love... for years i have been implanted with the blindness i encountered.. after letting go of the previous one, how i wish i would be free with this problem for a while, or even until i graduate college, which is, only few months from now... i would just pray for you....rather i will not pray that you may be with me or something, but i will just pray for your happines..

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE!!!!

it's 1:45 in the morning... sept 14, 2006... and how's life??? just finishing only one paper since i opened my computer... looking back on the past hours i have been dealing with my compt, sounds like i wasted my time? aside from microsoft word, there are blogspot, friendster, yahoomail, gmail, google search, and ym.. as far as i could remember, these are the programs that i opened..ooops, plus the media player which i am currently listening to...

i also had regression moment with yonee... as i was scanning the multiply account of one of the behsci freshie... it's good to be a freshman again... if only i could turn back time... but well, no regrets... what i am right now i owe to my past... the best thing to realize is that each day makes me a better person..[i hope!haha]...

wow..im not yet in the mood to sleep... the effect of iced coffee i bought in ministop... it keeps my blood active until this very late...i mean, early morning...haha!

sooo tired once again.. thou i had a very fulfilling day... as in! had met with my householdS....

but now im back to reality... realities of academics... sooo tired.. so hot inside the room.. not even conjucive enough to work on...wow!!!it's really hot.. so many things to do.. i better get going.. where's my motivation....??... where art thou??? please come along my way,,, right NOW!!! i'm desperate.. i need to find you.. ASAP!!!!!

im soooo tired... as in... having my classes end by 10 am..then execom meeting after that... and pooff.. all i did was talk and talk to people... which i honestly enjoyed... i got to talk to lots of people, my close friends... my loved ones.. people who are special to me...

i would say i missed my yfc family a lot... and good thing i got to talk to them once again... then my babies.. i miss them soo much... i got to talk to three of them i guess.... and had 1-2-1 with one of my babies... wow... it's good to be back once again... and that the feeling of a mother was once again revived in my system...it makes me feel good to know that people trust you... and that God uses you as His instrument to show His love to us all..... i would want to be a slave of God.. i believe that by totally surrendering my self to Him would give me peace and confidence to live on to life... praise God!

yeah...it's really praise God... though the concert scheduled today was once again postponed.... life should still continue... believing that this is just a test.. and good to know that through this crisis we are reuniting...

aside from that... God finally opened my eyes... as in thank God tlaga!!!! for 2 years or more i guess... i have been blinded with my obsession.. thinking of him to be that mysterious and "perfect" and ideal.... now i realized i should not look up on him that much... not that he's a bad person...who am i to judge in the first place, not knowing the person at all... but then... this afternoon, i got to greet him with confidence... as in being the first one to greet him.. that's a great leap for me.. then to support the leap i am talking about, i found out things about him, good thing they were absorbed by my system, making me realize that ooppss... he's not to be looked that high.... that he's just a normal human being... having strengths and flaws... wow... i strongly believe he's a nice person.. i would still want to give him the benefit of the doubt.. but now, he's not that someone i looked up to, to the point that my world revolves around him... if we will be given a chance to be close, that's the time for me to give my verdict... he's just human... and i would want to see him as a brother in Christ alone...

really i am so thankful for this day.. though i was very very tired... i got to find out a lot of things... i got to realize and appreciate small details surrounding me... makes me feel good to know that there i have my family... by blood and by Christ...

just wish my self goodluck.. coz right now... i am in search for my direction towards my acads.. i kinda lost it during the dbs week... and i think i need to make an action as early as now.. so i really need to move... to take an action.. to achieve my goals in acads... GOODLUCK!!! with God's help i can do this!

i really feel so down this night... but so ironic that i should be rejoicing instead.. i have so many things to be thankful for.. the fact that the DBS week anniversary is finally over... and yet, it was a successful one... i should be thankful that people enjoyed what we've prepared...

but why can't i satisfy my self still? why do i feel so empty right this very moment? i feel so unworthy for not knowing what i want, or worse, not identifying what gives me this feeling of emptiness at all.... to make things worst and make me more desperate, is that as much as i wanted to cry, yet i could not... since last week, i have been attempting my self to cry.. for tears to fall on my eyes... but why can't they just freely flow? to somehow ease my burden...???... i might be feeling sorry for my self? but for what? hay... i wish people could understand me..but how do i expect other people to understand me if inside me there are so many confusions...like in the simplest way of identifying what bothers me....

i don't know how should i focus on this post of mine right now.. on what mood should i emphasize.. on what to right per se...

last thursday, my bestfriend called me using the celfone of her boyfriend... i was touched that she remembered me still... she mentioned during our quite long conversation that i have been so dedicated with my org... well, i will admit that part.. yeah, i really do admit it.. i learned to love it.. i allowed it to be part of my life... to be part of my college experiences... in general, being involved in an organization changed my life... A LOT!

way back in high school, i was never elected an officer... i was never a leader... i never imagined that in one part of my life, i will learn how to organize stuff... to take responsibility as big as i do now...but well, this is my fate...

but looking at the other side of the coin... the common WHAT IFs????what if i chose the other field instead? what if i was not elected proj head during my freshmen and be part of the execom as early as 2nd year??? i honestly have no regrets, but trying to imagine what might i have been if those things did not happen... i might be a lousy student... or a geeky geeky type... i would say being an org major changed my life... at all... it made me a better person... it made me realize how high the threshold i have... and it tested my patience....

===---===---===---===

*sigh*

well, i thought after this i thought things will be ok.. but seems something is still lacking... i still feel down... the hillsongs somehow lighten my feeling... made me feel quite rested... made me feel good... well well well... that really is the power of God...

~change of mood~

>>>Let there be love<<<

actually, this is not a major concern at all.. but i would like to test if having catharsis session with my blog about love life would help...

would it be? it might do help... my status....: EMPTY.... as in... now that i felt like i might be ready to entertain candidates for a relationship, but they do not appear now.... well... what might this be??? i have eyed so many guys, but not enough to be my first love... having so many crushes... ahem... but what i fear is falling in love... i might fall for someone who does not deserve... or who does not deserve me.... now i realized, it's easier to fall for someone you barely talk to... who will always remain a dream forever...than someone whom i get close contact with... but knowing i will just hurt my self if i continue... as much as i try to repress my feelings... and i hope i am successful with my displacement.... darn! this is no good at all...i hve to stop this crazy things... well... now i would say.... i am ready to date... at least to date... and enjoy the privilege of singlehood!!!