***************************************
i have been waiting for you so long....
why haven't our paths crossed along?....
a year has passed...
and all we have...
are the exchange of smiles and bows....
whenever we see each other around...

am i so studid? or just so blind?
could it be because my eyes are on you?
that i overlook the people near me......

3 months to go and we have to separate ways....
hoping in the remaining time.... we can get to interact....
and if ever we're not given that chance....
hope someday, we'll meet again....

for now this is what i can say:
the mute says nothing....
and the mouth says everything......
***************************************

Looking Back
December 29, 2005
12:01 am

Every year we encounter different experiences, we see different scenarios in every phase of our lives.. there are good and there are bad… there are joys and there are tears…. The year 2005 has been so memorable. A year full of blessings, full of surprises, full of love and friendship, full of struggles and trials…. And I am so glad, I made them happen in my life for this year… it is about to end, and welcome another year with so many things to expect from. Before I say goodbye to 2005 and welcome 2006, I would like to remember the things that made my year significant and memorable… be it good or bad, I believe it is worth remembering… looking back to the events of my past, I would be guided with the years of my future. These things serve as my channel to a better path.. those things made me stronger and matured as I continue to struggle in life…

1. I turned 19!!!! Wow! This is my last year as a TEEN….

2. My 19th bday celebration is so memorable… full of surprises and the time to celebrate it was prolonged… up to the following week of my birthday there are surprises.. whew! I love surprises!!!!

3. I took Chem 14…. Last summer… and it was so much fun… though it’s hard.. it was really a tough summer experience…. Very toxic and pressured…. But I am so proud I made it!!!! I once told my self before enrolling…. (at that time I have phobia in Chemistry) that if I won’t face my fears in science subjects at this early, how can I face the real world in med school? I am to expect triple the uneasy subjects… so I’d rather weigh my abilities as early as now….

4. aside from passing Chem 14… something worth remembering are the memories I had… with new found friends.. I got to know students from other courses and lower batches.. make friends with them… and I also got to know well my mentors who are still young yet so great teachers of Chemistry… Sir Chris and Sir Li… until now, we are close. That from time to time we got out for bonding….there is our Chekwa fans club.. composed of Revs, Brianne, El, my good mentors, and your truly…. At the end of summer classes, we went out.. ate dinner at Popeyes and had a studio pic…. Funny thing, I had a super terrible crush on my mentor… haha!!!! I tend to deny so many possibilities in this world that exist for that…haha J

5. birth of our little angel in the family… Shandee Felicity… “andy” in short… that’s April 23, 2005…. The little one of my Ate Sheri…. She really is a blessing…. =)

6. and her baptism… she was baptized on the month of May…and I am a happy and proud ninang…

7. this year is my sister, Tami’s debut… she finally turned 18!!! She had a very wonderful party…and I am so glad being part of the “organizing” team for her debut… I really wanted to become a party organizer someday… not that it is my hobby or something, but because I know there’s a need for me to learn to be organized in my self… and that would be a good practice for me… haha!!!! J

8. aside from the joy in behalf of my sister, I got to meet more people… my sister’s friends and block mates… oh well, I believe this was a good start of my friendship with Tami’s good block mates, Keith, RF, and Charles.. actually, the 2 former people had been my friends before hand.. Charles on the other hand, I got to know him only that time… the four of us had a good time chit chatting and hanging out at the gas station in front of our house… we get to share stories and know each other (somehow)…and I am so glad that until now, we’re are still good friends… (I hope…) hehehe=p

9. being part of the YFC-UPM family had been so memorable… I attended the 3-day Youth Camp last June 24.. and damn!!! That really was memorable… at first, I thought of having problems with joining the camp.. it turned out that the Planning schedule of the EXECOM of BESTSOC was scheduled on June 25..it really was a dilemma for me… I know I had the responsibility as part of the EXECOM… but I really wanted to join the camp… and I also had little problem with a very good friend, Jihan… I understand her, that being the chair of the org, it was her concern to plan the upcoming activities of the expected academic year.. she is my friend as well… that’s why it’s so hard for me to say NO…. I never thought that it would be the end of our friendship though.. but I thought that that incident my cause damage in our 3-year friendship… but it’s a good thing everything turned very well… I chose the camp, and with our friendship? I can’t forget Ji’s text that goes this way: “hindi org and sisira sa pagkakaibigan natin….”…she also attended the camp, though she had to skip a day for the planning….

10. for more than a year, I attached my self to someone who doesn’t even notice me.. it’s a drama or something… but I would like him to be part of the list because he has been part of my year… I started liking him December 15, 2004…. And on February 11… that’s the day we were finally introduced to each other…. That’s because of the NMAT… I grabbed the opportunity to ask details about the exam… he answered my questions well and He even wished me good luck in my NMAT…. During that time, I found him smart in conversations…. And because of that, the more I got attracted to him…. I remember, I had a very wonderful Feb 14.. we were not in a date, okay? How I wish! Hehe=p but that day, I got to talk to him… so shallow, that we spoke for like exchange of 3 sentences….. very clear details… P. Gil wing exit… this is how the conversation goes:
ME: Ei….Kaw ba nanalo sa Crush ng ---?
HIM: He just nodded with pride..
ME: Btw, ginamit ko pala ung guitar mo.. Sorry walang paalam….
HIM: Oh, no problem!
Call me obsessed or what…. A super mababaw na person… I even can’t tell my self why have I been acting that way towards that person….. since that time, every time our eyes met along the way, we exchange hi’s and nods…. That’s just how things go… but the sad part is that, I greeted him on his birthday, in text and friendster, I sent around 3 messages in Friendster in different occasions…. With all those moments, I got zero reply! L every time I semd those Friendster messages and receive no reply, I feel bad for my self.. I felt so stupid for doing those things… I felt like I want to hide my self every time I see him… but he has been so nice that whenever there would be chances that our eyes would meet, he would greet with a nod… but most of the times, his eyes were on the floor…
People may see I have been so detailed about him…. my answer would be, “those details are easy to remember because there are only a few of them…”
Well, this person has been a good inspiration to me… may be I was so overwhelmed with his attitude towards his goals… I do not know him at all, but few things I knew about him is that he has direction… he’s intelligent and smart…. And even though he looks suplado and mysterious, I can see he has the humor, which he reveals to few people he has close encounter with….
It was also my first time to pray for a person I am liking…I may be really stupid… why am I telling these things? Yet this issue has no direction… there is no way that he’ll know though…. no chance for me to let him know my existence… because I am COWARD! even though I have done so many things, actually stupid things, but those were not enough for me to let him know…. For so many times I told my self I let my feelings for him go…. I did…I do not know how would I feel for him when we see each other next year, but as far as this year ends, I can say I did let go! He has been a good part of my life… for so many times, I told my self that he touched my heart even though he doesn’t know… what did I like in that person? I hardly knew him… but as what I’ve said, as far as I know about him, he’s goal oriented, super silent type, good looking, practicing Catholic???? (because I have seen him attended mass in PGH few times), challenging person, and an extra point, we are in the same career orientation…. Right now, I have moved on…. He could be liking someone else and it’s totally fine… I just thank him for teaching me, indirectly, to have directions….if I used to make things on him a big deal, I am proud to say I can absorb things in the utmost natural way…. As in I can be normal toward him…. no malice, no back mind desires for him… as in totally, if time would grant us to become good friends, why not?

***********to be continued… I’m already sleepy…. Nytie..****************
December 30, 2005
1:17 am

11. by April 1st, BESTSOC conducted its medical mission at Bgy. Tejeros, Makati… it’s a tie-up project with Mu Sigma Phi Fraternity and Sorority and the SK of the said barangay. At first I find it impossible to happen due to time constraints… and even in the night before, I cried, because we found out that there’s no doctor available yet… as in I felt so stupid for my self…. But because of the help of the people around me and of course God, it happened… the interns and clerks of the said frat and soro were all nice… they even had a cute intern..named Chris…

12. I only cut my hair once this year… that was I think around late April or late May… it was during my summer classes… prior to that, I had my hair cut December 31, 2004… it may be inferred that I did not experience such a heavy depression this year… though I get depressed most of the times, but those times were not big deal enough for me to give up my hair.,,,=p

13. I was a CS for the 1st sem of 3rd year…=p I almost made it as US… only few points short… but still, being CS is great!

14. Ate and Taddy finally get married… last June….=p

15. I’m more than a year SA… I made it.. though there were so many “sablays”

16. by month of September, my cousin, Ate Leeann started giving me additional Php500/mo on my allowance….

17. oh, before I forget…. This year, I also had a laptop!!!!=) it was my uncles from the US who bought me this laptop..

18. however, the day I bought this laptop, together with my Uncle Nelson, was the day I lost my celfone… actually, I left it in the cab…. Carelessness on my part… as in super jahe tlaga… my Uncle then bought me a fone that same day… only that I really miss my 7250i cel…I miss the camera so much….

19. I really admit that it is not my nature to mingle with people younger than me…. I am not the type who would go first to bond with younger people, even a year younger than me… but because of the experience in BESTSOC, that attitude changed… I enjoyed so much the company of our freshmen BehSci majors… I find it so enjoyable to laugh with them, chitchat with them… things I do more comfortably with the same age and older group… but now, I’ve realized the joy I could get with the younger ones the same way I get from older….it’s really fun to mingle with them…

20. I have been so mean and bad this year… as I look back on my 2005, I’ve realized that for so many times, I was expecting people to understand me…. I always reason out and point them I was worth the understanding… however, I felt that it was not that easy for me to give the same understanding to others the same way they understand me… I have been so selfish! I’ve acted as if I knew everything…to my family, to my friends, and even to strangers.. but I want this negative attitude to stop… it seems that as I grow old, my understanding capability becomes narrower…. this coming year, I will work hard to improve…. I do not want to be selfish anymore to other people…. They’ve been so good to me, and I want to return them the same or better treatment they give me… I would like to have a broad thinking, such that it’s not too endocentric.

i know... 20 items are not enough to describe my 2005... i am not in the mood right now to continue.. but i know deep down my heart, my year has been as memorable one.. a year full of blessings, full of obstacles, full of everything... and now, i am ready to face another year of my life... my past had made be stronger and a better person, i hope.... i just wish i could be the person who i really wanted to be... a person full of determination but never fails to look back from where she started... a person who would not only seek understanding from other people but would rather understand other people more.... i would be turning 20 soon... i have to say good bye to the "teen" age.... i would work hard to mature... but i would surely remain young at heart...

hay... i finally made it... i was able to improve my friendster account... it only proved i will not surrender!!! it was a challenge for me... for a person who has no knowledge in computers.... i still made it... though it is not that advanced like others, but i am proud of it because i worked hard for that...
i just thiught,am i the type of person who wants challenge... weird thing about me is that i know i function better if there is external pressure in it... i feel like a better person whenever i face obstacles if i want to achieve something.... the pressure... i take it as a challenge... i see it as my driving force for achievement... for so many times, i have proven this correct in my self.... the more i face the negative phases, the more i strive hard.. well for some people, they would prefer to get easily what they want... but in my case, not that it is nonesense if i get something in a snap of a finger.. but i feel more fulfilled if i get it the hard way....
perhaps, in all aspects of my life, that's true!!!! as if i do not want an easy life... oh my.... but some, they may think this abnormal... but for me, this is the most normal thing.... and i am proud of it...

Bato
Mojofly

Patay malisya ka nanaman
Pinanganak ka ba talagang walang pakiramdam
Kahit magbulag-bulagan ka man
'di mapapagkaila sa 'kin mayron ka ring nararamdaman

Ano ba talaga ang balak mo
Nais mo bang ako'y tuluyang lumayo
Lumalaki na ba ang ulo mo

(chorus)
Hoy bato
Wala na yata ako talagang mapapala sa iyo
Hoy bato
Mamundok ka na lamang kaya
Sa 'kiy wag na lamang magpakita
Bato

Narinig mo na ba ang salitang kilig
Sa tanda mong yan mukhang di mo pa yata naranasang umibig
Hoy naman
Wag kang ganyan
Ako ngayon ang iyong pinahihirapan

Ano ba talaga ang balak mo
Nais mo bang ako'y tuluyang lumayo
Lumalaki na nga ang ulo mo

(chorus ii)
Hoy bato
Wala na yata ako talagang mapapala sa iyo
Hoy bato
Nanghihinayang ako sa iyo
Pagkat hindi ako laging nandirito

Sampung taon at kalahati
Na akong naghihintay ng mangyayari
Parang lobong lumipad
Ang pangarap ko'y di na matutupad

Hoy bato
Wala na yata ako talagang mapapala sa iyo
Hoy bato
Hanggang dito na lamang ako
Goodluck na lang sam iyo
Bakal ka ba
O sadya lamang
Bato

this fits perfectly for him.... hay...... what else can i do?????

i just had a foot spa this afternoon... actually this was my first foot spa... but, i find it a waste of money.... i can do it myself naman... and much better.... a Php250 is not worth it.... but for the sake of experiencing it, well, it's fine....=) at least i already experience having foot spa... another pampering activity to one of the most spoiled part of my body.... my feet.... =) call it vain but i really pamper my feet... i had the idea during the process that it could be a good bonding activity... or a good outlet whenever i get sad or what... =p

Year 2005 is almost over
I looked back and I remember
How happy my life have been this year

I counted my blessings as I try to recall
All the wonderful people I came to know
Who filled my days with love and joy

Your kindness brought smile to my lips
Warmed my heart and my spirit
I thank you for giving me the reason to celebrate
For making me feel significant even for 1 minute

Thank you for the gift of time
I pray that may your life be blessed
With love, hope, joy and peace
May you continue to grow each day
And live a meaningful life with people you care

a Christmas greetings sent to me... it touched my heart so much that i feel like posting it... hopefully, everybody will have a wonderful Christmas... a few hours from now, we will celebrate the birth of our Lord.. let us always remember that Christmas is not merely a time for material things.. we have to always remember the joy and wonders of the Season.. Happy Holidays!!!!

’s almost Christmas.. and yet I cannot feel it yet. Though I hope I really completed the simbang gabi, but as far as I am concerned, by this day, I should be pretty excited. But why do I feel this way? As in nothing! I feel so blank with regard to the arrival of the season. Well could this be because of the things happened earlier, particularly during the mass.
First, all of my cousins have their boyfriends/boylets…. At least tami once had before… if I would rank it, it is only me who never had a boyfriend.!!!!. NBSB in short! Hay… but a while ago, as I was thinking of that, suddenly something came out from my mind!I really have the tendency to be addicted to something… I might forget all my important priorities in life.. I know my limitations, but I have the tendency to be forgetful once I get totally focused on something.. as much as I wanted to prove that I can balance things, but still I believe that it is possible… another thing is that, in a short span of time, many could happen.. I suddenly thought of my Ate Sherry… in a very short time, a lot of things happened to her and changed her life…. I know I have so much to face in this world.. so I do not have to rush things up!!
Another major issue I have is that the break up of Norman and Kaye.. they lasted for 8 months.. and that’s the issue with me… could it be a curse in our family that the first boyfriends will not last long? As in like forever? I’ve just observed of that trend.. (in my mother’s side..) funny thought came in me, could there be someone who would be willing to be my boyfriend for a span of 7 months?so I should not invest much on my first-to-be boyfriend since it would be expected that we will last for only 7 months! But that’s a joke… of course, I would like my first boyfriend to be lasting…if possible, be forever! He’ll be the one I’ll end up with… but no one can say,.. and even now, no one can tell who my first boyfriend would be…. When will he come? Or how should we meet? What does he look like? Have I met him already or I am to meet him someday?
I tell my self, goodluck on my journey!

Am I selfish? Am I depriving myself to be happy? Why is it that sometimes, I feel like I do not want my self to be treated as a VIP? Most especially with the opposite sex? I do confess that I am not that easy to be treated like a princess or something extra special. Someone once told me, that I have been acting ahead of rejection before it comes… mean, is the way I treat people becomes a wall for my happiness? Well in fact I am absolutely happy with how I deal with people.. I can show them who I really am… why am I so bothered about my behavior? Why is it all of a sudden I have been too conscious of who I am? well, here’s a deal I have made my self… I show who I am, for nothing to hide… it’s up to you how you will see my behavior…. Well in fact, I cannot force you to accept what is unacceptable to you… that’s your life, so mind your own, as I mind mine… if you think you can be that someone who feel I can definitely go along with, then happy for both of us! /11:02 pm/

It feels bad to have a desire at the back of your mind wanting to open up your self to someone yet you are too afraid to do it so. Playing the games… It touched our discussion during our last session of our Gender and Human Behavior class. The difference between the sexes, how they deal with each other, the behavior of men toward women and vice versa, but what stuck in my mind is the discussion about the games being played by the people. Most of the articles presented by my classmates were about the games it self, like How to attract Mr. Right, How it keep him hooked, and the likes… Same applies for men…. I was pretty surprised that in real world, you should be competitive, or else you will end up “loser”…. But during the discussion I reacted, such that “if you play the games, you end up losing your identity.” By not being natural with yourself, you keep your flaws, and try to look almost perfect. My professor then said: “But sometimes, those who do not play the games are usually the once who end up not having a partner!”… Oh my, it hit me! As in like, I suddenly thought of giving the game plays a second thought. I suddenly felt like I would like to consider….
Those magazines, like Seventeen, Cosmopolitan, and other fashion magazines, are some of the materials I enjoy reading. When I was younger, I almost treat those teenage magazines like a bible! (No offense to my religion!) As in I always find my self reading the section that has something to do with the interaction with boys…. The rules, the pieces of advice given, the moves.. those are the articles I really enjoy reading…. I was really, honestly, trying hard to follow those that are stated in the articles I have read… one thing I remember most, is that, most articles say that boys would go for demure girls more than that of loud girls.. I kinda proved it right when I was in high school. I tell you, I am one of the girls who is loud, active, and the hardest person you would imagine being demure… I was one of the boys, such that I do not have to act like another person when I am with those group… even my peers, well, birds of the same feather flock together, right adorables?!!! But there’s this guy that I was really into him… well, at least for 3 years!!! I am aware though that he wants someone who was demure, shy, and moves fine… and believe me, I tried to change my self, for quite a while… as in I limited my moves, I trained my self to be fine, but I SURRENDERED!!!! I cannot make it… to be a person who I am really not… and would never be… so then, I stopped trying out different behaviors (that has something to do with the total make over of my personality)…. It was then that I marked in my mind that it would be better to be in my utmost natural way. So then, this is who I am… but I reflecting back in our class discussion and the impact of the words of my professor…. Should I play the game… but the dilemma is, I do not know how….. and I do not know the rules….. where should I start, and how would I manage my play while in the middle of the game?
But as of now, I am not interested….. it’s not that hunting is my priority… but I am happy this way… but of course, I am also a girl, who wishes that hopefully, someday, he will come, and do even the least actions I am looking…. /10:27pm/

it's Christmas!!! actually, my favorite time of the year!!!! merry christmas to everyone!!!! =p

changing your status in life accompanies drastic changes of responsibilities... i have proven it right, with the situation of several i have known whose lives change as they change their status in life.... just take a look in the different stages of our lives as human beings.... we started as neonates, then let there be life: poof!!!! we're humans in this world... infants who are so innocent and helpless.... each day that adds to our life, new developments happen... new changes were encountered.... and if i will look at my self now.... this is me... a college student whose primary dream is to be happy with her life... to achieve the fulfillment of my dreams and desires.... i am taking into consideration therefore, that someday, i will have a family of my own..... and that would be a different level from where i am today.... a still single girl who wants to make the most out of everything...
well, one day as i was riding the jeepney and taking a long walk on the road , the work of my imagination suddenly occurred. i told my self: "i want to do extraordinary things while i am still SINGLE , while i am still free to do everything i want.... so i decided to list down all the things i would want to do and accomplish before i get married....Ü
1. it is a MUST to buy a car and a condo unit of my own, out of my own money, before i settle down.. i want to experience the peak of my career first.. the challenge is: i have to be strive hard to achieve these things at an early age.... =p
2. i want to learn how to play the drums.... as what a good friend of mine said, "a drummer doctor!!" sounds good!!!!! =p
3. i want to experience how to play golf!!!! i want to prove if it is really a boring sport or what! =p
4. to experience bungee jumping!!!!!! yahoooo!!!!!
5. to experience working in a gasoline station just to clean the glass windows..... nyahahaha=)
6. ride on a horse.... sa kalesa.....
7. and horse backriding....=p
8. to be a good photographer.... sounds funny.... i love posing in pictures but i'd rather want to be the one taking pix.... of myself!!! whaaaaah!!!!
9. witness the sunset of Manila Bay.....
10. to have an out of town trip with friends or special people... it's a beach trip with bonfire and melted marshmallow night....=p
11. have an afternoon playing with lots of kids...... as in super daming kids....
12. experience a pajama party!!!!
13. and have a pillow fight!!!!!
14. have a closet that is as big as size of a room!!! with lots of shoes in it....

these are just few things i can think of as of now.... next time, more dreams will pop in my mind.... the things i want to do before i get married!!!!

i want to have a headset for my laptop.. la lang... i was using Marionne's headset last night and i suddenly thought it would be very useful for me....=)

oh NMAT has already ended... and what can i say??? "if only i was serious enough with my high school knowledge, it would be easy..." but whaaaah!!!! i do not know anything in Physics.... i would make it up on April... i promise myself, i would do better.....=) i was just happy to know that there are my friendS who prayed for me and who will pray for the results.... i was touched..... Ji, thanks the encouragement....=p

i am currently signed in the site of one of the most prestigious medical schools abroad... i suddenly felt the desire to go out of the country... a dream i implanted in my memory i could achieve.... there's a feeling that i would want a new enviroment.. yes i love my country, so to be nationalistic, but there's something inside me telling me to try different things...

well, one thing i've always dreamed of is to become a doctor.... funny, but i once told my self that i could get my satisfaction when i can call my self as a professional... and funnier, my idea of being a professional during those times is that acquiring a job that has board or any licensure exams.... but even though i have out grown this thought, i cannot out grow my greatest dream...

i am really praying that i can get into medical school abroad.... but of course, i am not closing my doors abroad... i will still take chances here in our country... i believe that there are so many medical schools that offer quality education... like our very own UP College of Med... but still the competition is tough... i will still have other options though...

whaaaah.... i would work hard for my dreams.... if i will believe and of course accompanied with hardwork, i know i can be who i want to be in the future... but of course, i strongly believe that it won't be possible without the help and guidance of our Lord....

i can't believe it... oh my!!!!i've talked to him na... well, at least now i did it na... finally, i'm brave to talk to him... but i am still sticking to my words that it's over... just happy doing things i thought i cannot do!!!haha!!!=p

December already started... and i can soon feel the spirit of Christmas...

or should i say, i've started December BRAVE?!!!

advance MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!=p