catharsis again...well this time, for the nth time...its about love life... funny to think that like few days ago until yesterday, i considered myself very fine even though i have no lovelife.. i did not feel the feeling of emptiness and dryness...

but not until yesterday, i've realized that ooops... i might be getting hooked with someone... lately, i got to know a guy and we somehow become that close.. he is so nice... and fun to be with..at first i thought that i just enjoy his company, having no feelings of "kilig" whatsover... but then, i just realized, that even though there is no kilig factor whenever i am with him, i am happy just being with him... and its not a good sign for me... it really hurts me to identify what could have i feel for him.. it gives me the guilty feeling of looking beyond our friendship.. and it hurts me more of trying so hard to contain my emotions and keep on telling myself that there no malicious thoughts at all... yeah, i'm so guilty.. this person is so good and very caring, that made me develop special feelings for him...

i thought that having ultimate crush with someone you hardly talk to is difficult.. but developing a feeling with someone very close to you is twice difficult.. at least with someone whom i barely talked to or have not known at all, it would be easier to let go if given the chance of knowing him, or even what recently happened to me, i got to discover some stuff about him, made me realized that i should not hail him.. but with this dilemma i am facing.. this guy i am talking about..each day that we are together, i get to discover things about him.. i got to be closer to him... and makes me hard to detach... well, good thing i haven't reached the point of being so into him yet i am unconscious about it... making me realized that i could have been developing special feelings toward our friendship gave me the sign to detach a little bit...

honestly, my current situation is very hard to understand..even myself having difficulty of understanding what i have been into and even expressing what i really feel at all... i got to opened up with dormates... though i really did not name names... but a pretty bmi sis of mine suggested that i should detach for a while, until i find my self free of intentions toward him.. lesser text messages, lesser interactions with him..somehow i will limit the friendship, for a while... coz it really makes me feel guilty to befriend with someone whom i am having intentions.. it alarms me a lot to realize that being with him makes me happy instead of giving kilig feelings...

currently his life is well guided and well directed... and i do not have any plans of intruding in his plans... i am aware that he really likes someone else.. and i know the girl...a good choice! i'm pretty sure he could be happy with her... though not now, but maybe in the future... i would say i would be happy if he would pursue her, coz i think they deserve each other...but right now, i could not say that without being hurt.. i pray i could surpass the situation i am into.. and to be happy for them, at least for him, without pains on my part..

i told God, i have been heart broken for a lot of times... funny thing is, i am an NBSB, yet being heart broken...well frustrated is the perfect word... but why to do i need to feel that painful right now? and with him? the least person i expected... i would want to see every guy, as in every guy, as a brother in Christ... coz i used to believe that if that is the case, i would be able to deal with them truthfully... but why is it happening right now? i would want to disregard the pain... it is really not pain.. but this confusion i have been feeling...

i hope i would not be able to see you for a while..and may our paths cross when i am clear with my intentions already...the problem's not with him, but with me... i would really want to apologize to him for feeling this way towards him...though it would be very very impossible for him to know how sorry i am, coz i will never let anyone know at all!

love love love... for years i have been implanted with the blindness i encountered.. after letting go of the previous one, how i wish i would be free with this problem for a while, or even until i graduate college, which is, only few months from now... i would just pray for you....rather i will not pray that you may be with me or something, but i will just pray for your happines..