i really feel so down this night... but so ironic that i should be rejoicing instead.. i have so many things to be thankful for.. the fact that the DBS week anniversary is finally over... and yet, it was a successful one... i should be thankful that people enjoyed what we've prepared...

but why can't i satisfy my self still? why do i feel so empty right this very moment? i feel so unworthy for not knowing what i want, or worse, not identifying what gives me this feeling of emptiness at all.... to make things worst and make me more desperate, is that as much as i wanted to cry, yet i could not... since last week, i have been attempting my self to cry.. for tears to fall on my eyes... but why can't they just freely flow? to somehow ease my burden...???... i might be feeling sorry for my self? but for what? hay... i wish people could understand me..but how do i expect other people to understand me if inside me there are so many confusions...like in the simplest way of identifying what bothers me....

i don't know how should i focus on this post of mine right now.. on what mood should i emphasize.. on what to right per se...

last thursday, my bestfriend called me using the celfone of her boyfriend... i was touched that she remembered me still... she mentioned during our quite long conversation that i have been so dedicated with my org... well, i will admit that part.. yeah, i really do admit it.. i learned to love it.. i allowed it to be part of my life... to be part of my college experiences... in general, being involved in an organization changed my life... A LOT!

way back in high school, i was never elected an officer... i was never a leader... i never imagined that in one part of my life, i will learn how to organize stuff... to take responsibility as big as i do now...but well, this is my fate...

but looking at the other side of the coin... the common WHAT IFs????what if i chose the other field instead? what if i was not elected proj head during my freshmen and be part of the execom as early as 2nd year??? i honestly have no regrets, but trying to imagine what might i have been if those things did not happen... i might be a lousy student... or a geeky geeky type... i would say being an org major changed my life... at all... it made me a better person... it made me realize how high the threshold i have... and it tested my patience....

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*sigh*

well, i thought after this i thought things will be ok.. but seems something is still lacking... i still feel down... the hillsongs somehow lighten my feeling... made me feel quite rested... made me feel good... well well well... that really is the power of God...

~change of mood~

>>>Let there be love<<<

actually, this is not a major concern at all.. but i would like to test if having catharsis session with my blog about love life would help...

would it be? it might do help... my status....: EMPTY.... as in... now that i felt like i might be ready to entertain candidates for a relationship, but they do not appear now.... well... what might this be??? i have eyed so many guys, but not enough to be my first love... having so many crushes... ahem... but what i fear is falling in love... i might fall for someone who does not deserve... or who does not deserve me.... now i realized, it's easier to fall for someone you barely talk to... who will always remain a dream forever...than someone whom i get close contact with... but knowing i will just hurt my self if i continue... as much as i try to repress my feelings... and i hope i am successful with my displacement.... darn! this is no good at all...i hve to stop this crazy things... well... now i would say.... i am ready to date... at least to date... and enjoy the privilege of singlehood!!!