i think i'm beginning to love confrontations...better be it verbalized than kept with grievances not knowing little by little you turn into a stone that wrapped the heart...

this is how i currently feel... once i chose to confront someone, i make sure its not on the personal level... otherwise, if i feel like something hurtful i might possibly say, i would think twice before speaking... i should way if i would hurt the person, otherwise, i would remain silent... until i finally mellow down... and it does not take long...in the first place, what will i get if i get mad to someone, right? who will be the one bothered then? would it be that person? nah! i don't think so.. it is my self who will be bothered and just got affected... so rather let the idea fly away.. and live on with life... face the problem, speak out, then move on.. don't hold on to the past...

this is me.. i say what i want... as long as i am not hitting on anybody.. i will... and i will always still...

ENJOY PLAYING (^_^)

while i was taking shower like 10 minutes ago...a lot of things came into my mind... and i felt the need of posting it in my blog... for me to be totally aware of what my thoughts really are...

thoughts that gave me anxiety...fearful ideas... i realized, that my faith might be getting weaker... yep, it's such a fearful idea...but well, i felt like i might possibly go there...

i do admit...it was a choice of detaching my self to yfc.. aside from the toxicities i have been into lately due to about to end semester... i did it on purpose not to be that connected to the yfc... honestly, i got hurt... and somehow, felt of embarrassment on facing them, after the tambayan issue... it hurts me a lot to hear them say that "kaw ang presidente pero wala kang nagawa"... though i know it's such a joke... but can't help feeling bad, not on them, but on my self... i felt guilty, that made me doubt my ways on how should i deal with them... i do not know how to handle the situation...and what hurts me most, is to see the new tambayan of yfc... it hurts me to see them be there, the place they do not deserve to be.. they should be in a better place...

they say that having household is painful...and it is... it pisses me off that i am not that strong enough to handle the pain i experienced... i got hurt with some of my hh....sometimes i have the feeling of i might not be able to look for them better that i have to be treated this way... i do keep the pain inside me..but i felt the need of giving space for me to be able to hold on to that pain... harsh....i'm such a harsh mommy...

and so i made a choice... i never went to their tambayan after that... chose not to be connected to them for a while...i even thought of being inactive in yfc as well... it hurts me a lot... yfc's not supposed to hurt me...they do not hurt me at all...but i allow my self to get hurt...because of nothing...so i told my self that i should go distant before i get hurt... but why am i hurting more that i am distant?i realized that i allowed my self to be attacked by the enemy...and that's what i am undergoing right now... i really wanted to be back...but i'm afraid i may not be able to face them the way i used to...like weeks ago...


i am under attack....my prayer time is no longer consistent.... i could not feel the fire... my service is indeed not good... and my relationship with Him is no longer strong... and i hate my self for that..i am afraid of totally losing connections with Him... i am afraid of the possibilities that i might question Him... lately, He's done great things for me... and yet, i 'm not that thankful..i took Him for granted...i might missed the appreciation and thank you's He deserves...

on the other hand..i do not want to lose connections with my yfc family...that's what i've realized after getting lost... but i am afraid i might not know them anymore... i'm afraid that i may not be able to give their expectations...i do not know where to start...as long as the guilt feeling is there... how could i start then?

but then i am thankful though for making me realize this..hope it's not yet too late...i pray that may He not let go of me... He's done great things on me lately... and He deserves all the thank you's and lots of appreciations and love from me... i pray that may You keep me in the right track... and please remove the guilt and pain i have here... i want to serve... and i find service in my yfc family...and i really missed my household.... :-(

for the past few days, i've encountered a lot of confusions... the confusion of which should i pursue a career i have been dreaming ever since? or rather take the chance of trying other things for the sake of practicality? i questioned my plan of going to med school after graduation, brought about by the guilt feeling of somehow be able to help the family recover financially if i would choose to work instead...

and to add more on the tension, something shocking event happened that i believed made a great impact to the whole family... after the failure of the family business, i was afraid that i might not be able to pursue medicine....admitting that my immediate family is not financially capable of sending me to med school, but my relatives are all out willing to support... but because of what happened, i doubted once again, that this could be a sign not to continue anymore....

but it turned out the other way around... after few exchange of emails with my uncle, finally i was enlightened that if the heart really calls for it and that your fate leads you to your dreams, no matter what happened, it will find its way... just keep on believing.. and praying!

i would like to share the emails with my uncle...and for anyone who reads this post be able to feel the importance of family support in whatever you dream of becoming...as long as you really fight for it... and believe in it... these emails made me cry... becuase of disappointments (in the first parts) and because of joy and appreciation (in the latter part).... the emails go this way:

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From: Dyan Kristel Sabalvaro [mailto:qt_tenx10x@yahoo.com]
Sent: Thursday, September 21, 2006 2:17 AM
To: Nelson Sabalvaro (nsabalva); Nelson Sabalvaro
Subject: suggestion for a date/med appli

hi uncle pogi!(^_^)

kmusta? may naiisip na akong ipa-date sayo pag uwi mo ng Pinas.. (the following sentences are no longer important and relevant...)

btw, start na po ng mga application for med schools... this morning, galing ako sa UP Med.. magastos pala kahit application palang... bale sa UP, w/c i would expect to be the cheapest, eh pHp750... kung ok lang po bang pa sponsor sa inyo ng med schools application ko? dunnow how much will the total cost be...other target schools would be UERM, UST, and PLM.. i would also want to retake my NMAT, this time i have to double my efforts to reach the quota of UP Med... it would be this December, but the application forms are already available.. bale last year, 2K po ang cost nun..

my intial plan is to pay the NMAT myself.. pero i have to give up my work in order for me to concentrate more on my acads and THESIS!!! so nabigo ang pangarap kong kumuha ng NMAT out of my own pocket..

that's it.. you know naman the current financial status of my family.,, we are moving on, but they are not that prepared to pay high expenses like these...

and back to your date, so far, sya ang ok sa nakikita ko.. but i will still look for other girls..haha..malay mo, isa sa mga doctors na naeencounter ko these days (sila kc ang thesis respondents ko)... mga young and pretty karamihan sa knila! hehehe...

super super salamat po tlga....*sigh*sigh* take care and God bless(^_^)

--> kRiSsY_sExY
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Nelson Sabalvaro (nsabalva)" wrote:

Hi Krissy,

I can definitely sponsor you with your med school applications, but let me propose it first at our SAQ fund. I'm certain that it will be approve and if not then I can help you on that. So, just apply to schools, good school I would suggest. I would really like you to try your very best to make it to UP. If it takes to quit your job then so be it. Even here in the States, if you're a graduate of UP (or maybe UST) it is a big difference.

Now, regarding ****, I looked at her at friendster and yeah she a little chubby but I still like to meet her. Btw, her friendster profile is only limited to her 1st degree friends so I don't see the details and her other pics. Yeah, find me someone from UP :)

Just let me know in advance when do you need the money so we can prepare for it.

Regards,
uncle nelson
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 08:42:15 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Dyan Kristel Sabalvaro" View Contact Details View Contact Details Add Mobile Alert
Subject: RE: suggestion for a date/med appli
To: "Nelson Sabalvaro"
uncle pogi..

hallooo... well, thanks so much for your support in my dream to continue medicine... well, i just got the information now regarding UST Med application.. the application fee is 1200... then for UP, its 750... those are the schools i have idea so far.. im still planning to inquire in UERM.. for UST, i was informed that those surnmes starting in Gs has a deadline of until Sept28... so assume, by the first week of october will be the deadline for the surnames S... i never expected it would be that soon... UP med however, is until dec8.. and also, regarding the NMAT, as far as i know, the application is already available this time...so anytime i could just go to their office...

i never expect that merely application would be that expensive.. still there will be other expenses, which i am still about to discover when i started applying... i really am targetting to make it to UP Med... hopefully and that's what i am really praying for... i'm doing the best i can..with my academics as well as in my extracurriculars coz as what i have heard, they weigh a lot... but still, i need to concentrate on the NMAT review... i might be spending my semester break here in dormitory budgeting my time for my thesis and for the review of NMAT...
well, those are the updates so far..

btw, are you watching the show Grey's Anatomy?it's my currently favorite show..i asked my friend to burn me a copy of the dvd.. hehehe... it is very inspiring! (^_^)
thats it... thanks a million times for everything! Godbless! (^_^)
---> kRisSy_sExy

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"Nelson Sabalvaro (nsabalva)" wrote:

hello krissy,

i mentioned med applications expenses and it was approved that you can get it from the SAQ fund. we also already talked to a.yolly about this so, she knows already. just get the money to a.yolly whenever you need it, ok?

good luck on your applications!

uncle pogi :)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Dyan Kristel Sabalvaro [mailto:qt_tenx10x@yahoo.com]
Sent: Thursday, October 05, 2006 4:59 AM
To: Nelson Sabalvaro (nsabalva)
Subject: RE: suggestion for a date/med appli

uncle pogi :)
hello... thanks a lot po for the support...but i heard what had happened to ElizBern... the family probably be in crisis, financially and emotionally i bet... nahihiya nman po ako kng sasabay pa ung pag-memed ko with what you are undergoing right now..indeed i do not have the full picture of what happened to the business, but i know what happened made a big impact to all of us... i am not the only student SAQ is supporting...so if the foundation will be affected, i would understand if my med educ would not push thru... my family could not really support me financially in that matter...
gusto ko lng po muna malaman ang stand nyo before i start applying... personally, i would really want to pursue, pero sympre, if financial constraints would stop it, ok lng po...
shux, i'm being too emotional... but thanks a lot po for everything... hope its not yet too late for the business to rise up again...and improve for the better... and hope all of you there are doing fine despite the struggles... (^_^)
--> kRisSy_sExY

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: RE: suggestion for a date/med appli
Date: Thu, 5 Oct 2006 11:03:38 -0700
From: "Nelson Sabalvaro (nsabalva)" View Contact Details View Contact Details Add Mobile Alert
To: "Dyan Kristel Sabalvaro"
Krissy,

One of the reasons why we decided to fold on ElizBern is we cannot take the risk of loosing more money and impact SAQ fund. So, don't worry about financial and we will try our best to make sure that we continue to support your school expenses. No pressure but probably one of most rewarding to all of us here is to see you graduate medicine (the first doctor in the family :). And to see you guys successful and accomplish your dreams.

So do the best you can and let us know what happen to your applications, ok?

And equally important is to look for my date when I come over there in January :)

-uncle pogi

---------------------------------------------

people say i am happy whenever i share them about what i am undergoing...well, given that i have my family who are all out supportive financially...but far beyond the money matters, it's the support one could gain in achieving her goals.... not just for me, but for the whole pamangkins...

i really really do admire them, a lot... the way they treat us... all their support.... and the attitude... they act what a family should really be....supporting each other.... i would say, i love my family...my immediate, though they could not support financial matters, but the thought that they are morally supporting me to pursue my dreams even it means for them to trade an easier life they could possibly get if i work.... and my relatives, both sides... they really would want to help me, especially my dad's side.. financially, yep... and it's not that easy to send someone to med school....

the best reward i could give them would be finishing my med degree and yep, my uncle's right.. be the first doctor in the family...

i could not get more than excited.... hay... this is it... a sign i've been waiting for... a sign to saying YES! go for it! thank you Lord! >(^_^)<

HOW TO SAVE A LIFE
by The Fray

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

Grey's Anatomy fever... gosh! i really love the songs How to Save a Life and Chasing Cars.. and i really love the show..i do admit i am a fan... Dr. Shepherd, you are soooo handsome..... (^_^)

indeed, watching Grey's Anatomy serves as a therapy for me... coz the more i got inspired..i just don't know until now...

i'm afraid i might not be able to pursue medicine right after graduation.. there are lots of constraints, in particular financial... i pray i lot that may these things, what i am encountering, are just dreams, better yet, to make me stronger...

i really feel exhausted... and that threat of med school has no space in my mind yet.. i have to suppress whatever emotions i have or might have or may be having right now.. coz of too much things to do... i would not want to pity my self... someday, i know,i would be able to achieve my goals.. may be not that soon, but i promise, i will achieve my dreams.... i promise!


...neither medicine nor relationships can be defined in black
and white. Real life only comes in shades of grey... - Grey's Anatomy