while i was taking shower like 10 minutes ago...a lot of things came into my mind... and i felt the need of posting it in my blog... for me to be totally aware of what my thoughts really are...

thoughts that gave me anxiety...fearful ideas... i realized, that my faith might be getting weaker... yep, it's such a fearful idea...but well, i felt like i might possibly go there...

i do admit...it was a choice of detaching my self to yfc.. aside from the toxicities i have been into lately due to about to end semester... i did it on purpose not to be that connected to the yfc... honestly, i got hurt... and somehow, felt of embarrassment on facing them, after the tambayan issue... it hurts me a lot to hear them say that "kaw ang presidente pero wala kang nagawa"... though i know it's such a joke... but can't help feeling bad, not on them, but on my self... i felt guilty, that made me doubt my ways on how should i deal with them... i do not know how to handle the situation...and what hurts me most, is to see the new tambayan of yfc... it hurts me to see them be there, the place they do not deserve to be.. they should be in a better place...

they say that having household is painful...and it is... it pisses me off that i am not that strong enough to handle the pain i experienced... i got hurt with some of my hh....sometimes i have the feeling of i might not be able to look for them better that i have to be treated this way... i do keep the pain inside me..but i felt the need of giving space for me to be able to hold on to that pain... harsh....i'm such a harsh mommy...

and so i made a choice... i never went to their tambayan after that... chose not to be connected to them for a while...i even thought of being inactive in yfc as well... it hurts me a lot... yfc's not supposed to hurt me...they do not hurt me at all...but i allow my self to get hurt...because of nothing...so i told my self that i should go distant before i get hurt... but why am i hurting more that i am distant?i realized that i allowed my self to be attacked by the enemy...and that's what i am undergoing right now... i really wanted to be back...but i'm afraid i may not be able to face them the way i used to...like weeks ago...


i am under attack....my prayer time is no longer consistent.... i could not feel the fire... my service is indeed not good... and my relationship with Him is no longer strong... and i hate my self for that..i am afraid of totally losing connections with Him... i am afraid of the possibilities that i might question Him... lately, He's done great things for me... and yet, i 'm not that thankful..i took Him for granted...i might missed the appreciation and thank you's He deserves...

on the other hand..i do not want to lose connections with my yfc family...that's what i've realized after getting lost... but i am afraid i might not know them anymore... i'm afraid that i may not be able to give their expectations...i do not know where to start...as long as the guilt feeling is there... how could i start then?

but then i am thankful though for making me realize this..hope it's not yet too late...i pray that may He not let go of me... He's done great things on me lately... and He deserves all the thank you's and lots of appreciations and love from me... i pray that may You keep me in the right track... and please remove the guilt and pain i have here... i want to serve... and i find service in my yfc family...and i really missed my household.... :-(