december 8, 200810:53 pm at my room

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i kinda feel anxious now... after i took a jog this afternoon, i thought i would have some sort of tension release within me... for a while, it worked... jogging making my mind blank for some time.. free from the thoughts that do not ran out of my mind, things that no matter how hard i try not to think of, keep coming back every now and then...

and this night, i know i don't feel fine.. i really wanted to cry, to burst out these tears that have been stucked since the last time i cried, about the month of june or july maybe, all that i remembered was i was crying over the phone talking to my dad then to my sister, oversease, because i was having hard time with my studies, particularly with clinpath..

so much for that, i felt the absence of my family. i wanted to talk to them right now on the fone...i want to hear their voice, to know every details happening to them, be it good or bad... i know they're hiding their struggles and pains, and all that they tell me when we talk are the good news.. i know, 100% confident, that there are tears behind every laughters, pains behind every good news.. and now i can clearly understand how life is difficult for them abroad.. i feel guilty that they have to feel these hardships because of me, because they need to sustain my needs here, my studies...now i am crying... at last! tears are already starting to fall on my eyes.. finally my eyes are cleansed once again.. i really miss them, a lot.. i felt like i'm so unfair, being too dependent, not knowing where to start, to help them with their struggles. i miss them so much. more aggravated by the people i am living with right now.. an almost complete family, eating together, laughing together.. i know the joy they have together as one family.. and better for them, celebrating Christmas together.. i know this is not the first Christmas i'll gonna be spending without my family, but now, i feel so empty.... i just wish they'll be happy in there.. and always be safe and healthy.. free from any harm or danger... i wish time would ran fast, that i will be able to graduate, become someone they'll gonna be proud of, and be able to find a career to help them.. i remembered, i was so excited to help my family, imagined my self sending my brothers to college... but then, twist of fate, that it was my brother and younger sister who was helping my parents to send me to this very expensive professional school i am in right now..

all i know is that i do not want to give my parents any disappointments.. i want to make my path straight, be responsible in everything that i do.. and i guess that would be my principle until i achieve my dreams, and perhaps, forever.....

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE....

start the month right, right? =) i received lots of texts about the smiley night sky.. but unlucky as i am, i still have to cross the Espana to search for the moon, too bad i did not...was it the pollution that covers the sky of our area? probably yes...

anyway, my week's gonna be a very toxic one. as if chances do not favor me, or even the rest of my subsec.. but well, i know we can...

love love love.. everybody as if have a hang-over of the vampire charm of edward!!!! every girl would want to have their edwards too.. me too!!!! but then, he is not for real.. (when i found my edward, i will not share him to anyone!!!! hahahaah!!!)... one thing that strike me about that edward thing is the protection i want to find from someone... the protective and caring attitude of him melt every girl's heart... i just realize, the person whom i thought has the potential of being my "edward" is very far from the reality.. well then, last night i was with him, then i told my self that this guy cannot protect me from dangers.. i could not feel the security i would want to feel whenever i am with him.. i did it on purpose to spend time with him, gauging myself if i would have the courage to clarify things in our past.. but i guess it doesn't matter anymore, cause i already know the answer.. whatever we had will just be part of a fruitful friendship we are still to share forever..

well now i am glad, coz i finally know what i want.. do not need to be hooked up with my past.. i know whom i want, i want.. i am not saying there is one particular person i am pertaining to, i am also not saying there isn't.. whatever truth lies underneath, i'll just continue to share my care to people i care, extend my help to those who need mine, and give my company to those who want, to those who wish to know me more... like the love in twilight, it's called UNCONDITIONAL....