2:44 am, Feb 6, 2007.. that's what my date/time in my lappietoppie says... i slept from 6-9:30 pm, so no wonder i'm still awake this late... but the thing is, i am in emote-mode... whaaaah! yeah i know, i just published my blog entry, very positive about stuff, but i think, this time will be different... am i in a bipolar condition? mpd? nah! whatever, but i am just in the mood to write this down, i mean, to type it...
what happens when feelings are left untold? how heavy it will be to carry it for years? and worse to live with are the "what ifs"... i had one great experience of it, way back in high school.. as expected, a youthful infatuation, but i have this great appreciation towards one of my batchmates.. ever since 2nd year HS, i only have my eyes for him.. even after having a girlfriend the next year, i still feel something for him.. until we graduated high school, he's still whom i liked... not only until early college days that i was able to move on and realized how youthful it was... may be for others it was childish, but for me, it's not.. it was a special chunk in my HS life that made me smile... but the sad part is, i only smiled alone... maybe he doesn't know how i feel for him... i never told him in the first place. i could not even talk to him in person.. i have been admiring him but i have been keeping the feeling within me for so long..
in fact, months before graduation in HS, i imagined my self telling him.. at least before we part ways, i may be able to say.. but i do not know what happened to my tongue, after having intense preparation, that i just let our ways part with my feelings left hanging..
i moved on.. i'm still single but i am thankful to that incident for making me this way, no harsh feelings at all... but what makes me anxious is that i may be repeating the same mistake all over again... that thing affected me on how should i be accepting or denying my feelings toward one person.. actually, i am having a hard time, even to my self, acknowledging my feelings for one person.. there will be long periods of denial, then after finally figuring out that it is nothing serious, i go on... i am just worried that this time, since graduation is 2 months away, i may repeat the same mistake again... him, whom i have been admiring since 2nd year college (wow, is this a coincidence that on the 2nd year that i start admiring people for longest times), might be another high-school-guy-infatuation in my life, that i will just let our paths separate for real not letting him know that he has been special to me.. i am not expecting anything in return actually. the favor that i will get will only be the fact that i was able to express my feelings and let him know about it.. nothing serious anything i feel anymore. actually, it is something that i could laugh about...but i just wish before i say goodbye to UP days, i may be able to tell him. at least when i transfer to another school i will have no regrets..
for me, i am not telling anyone if i already feel something for him is because of the weird feeling i may get whenever i meet the person, especially if he is a good friend.. but now, i am called to overcome my fears.. i really wish that i will be brave... at least for a day... i do not want to live with another chapter of my life with so many what ifs... maybe hiding what i really feel, leaving my past feelings left untold and just letting them to surpass without any effort of giving the signal to the person, is a reason why until now i do not know what i want when it comes to relationships.. i always have hang ups, the only difference is, i chose to be like that for not doing anything at all! if this is true, i know i should change my attitude right now, coz i do not want to spend another 5 years of med being coward and full of untold feelings..
what happens when feelings are left untold? how heavy it will be to carry it for years? and worse to live with are the "what ifs"... i had one great experience of it, way back in high school.. as expected, a youthful infatuation, but i have this great appreciation towards one of my batchmates.. ever since 2nd year HS, i only have my eyes for him.. even after having a girlfriend the next year, i still feel something for him.. until we graduated high school, he's still whom i liked... not only until early college days that i was able to move on and realized how youthful it was... may be for others it was childish, but for me, it's not.. it was a special chunk in my HS life that made me smile... but the sad part is, i only smiled alone... maybe he doesn't know how i feel for him... i never told him in the first place. i could not even talk to him in person.. i have been admiring him but i have been keeping the feeling within me for so long..
in fact, months before graduation in HS, i imagined my self telling him.. at least before we part ways, i may be able to say.. but i do not know what happened to my tongue, after having intense preparation, that i just let our ways part with my feelings left hanging..
i moved on.. i'm still single but i am thankful to that incident for making me this way, no harsh feelings at all... but what makes me anxious is that i may be repeating the same mistake all over again... that thing affected me on how should i be accepting or denying my feelings toward one person.. actually, i am having a hard time, even to my self, acknowledging my feelings for one person.. there will be long periods of denial, then after finally figuring out that it is nothing serious, i go on... i am just worried that this time, since graduation is 2 months away, i may repeat the same mistake again... him, whom i have been admiring since 2nd year college (wow, is this a coincidence that on the 2nd year that i start admiring people for longest times), might be another high-school-guy-infatuation in my life, that i will just let our paths separate for real not letting him know that he has been special to me.. i am not expecting anything in return actually. the favor that i will get will only be the fact that i was able to express my feelings and let him know about it.. nothing serious anything i feel anymore. actually, it is something that i could laugh about...but i just wish before i say goodbye to UP days, i may be able to tell him. at least when i transfer to another school i will have no regrets..
for me, i am not telling anyone if i already feel something for him is because of the weird feeling i may get whenever i meet the person, especially if he is a good friend.. but now, i am called to overcome my fears.. i really wish that i will be brave... at least for a day... i do not want to live with another chapter of my life with so many what ifs... maybe hiding what i really feel, leaving my past feelings left untold and just letting them to surpass without any effort of giving the signal to the person, is a reason why until now i do not know what i want when it comes to relationships.. i always have hang ups, the only difference is, i chose to be like that for not doing anything at all! if this is true, i know i should change my attitude right now, coz i do not want to spend another 5 years of med being coward and full of untold feelings..
posted by
cRiSziE @
2:31 AM
