i would like to start my post with this qoute:

"luving him, was 1 thing i was afraid of..
and i was right, it hurts...
but i thank him anyway..
i learned to let go..
he taught me what love really is...
and now i know,
it was never him..."

once i received this quote from a good friend, i told my self that i would keep it in my inbox and wait for the right time that i could forward this to people such that i am not making a fool out of my self. i waited for the time to come that i am true to what the quote really says, and that when the time comes that i would be able to share the message, i say what i really feel..

i just never knew that the time was today... this afternoon, i was lying on my bed, when i suddenly realized, oh, i chose to send it to somebody... this is the official time. the time that i could make a choice... and making one is only easy. for so long, i have been bounded by my choice to be under him without him knowing it at all. but hey, i don't regret anything. i am just glad that now, i at least, if ever we will be given a chance to bump each other along the roads, i can face him bravely and can be true to my self, in which i was deprived (by my own choice) when i am with him..

i do not know what came out of my mind.. with the question of why only now? that i do not know. what i had for him was obsession, of course in the beginning, it was purely admiration and inspiration.. but i allowed such inspiration to go beyong its limits, that i do not realized i am little by little eaten by my luxurious desires without getting anything at all. i know and i believe he is a nice person. how i wish he could know that what i have for him presently is purely the wish for friendship. i have passed the stage of seeing him as somebody. i know he is aware of what i had for him... with all the things i did, with all the crazy attitudes and behaviors in his front and back.. i cannot blame him for taking me for granted. he could be a man who do not want to deal with girls who has something for him. if there is one thing i regret about him, that is going beyond my limits. i have been so tactless and loud about my feelings for him.. and if ever given opportunity to be with him or had few talks with him, i tend to abuse them all....

how i really wish i could turn back time...which it is impossible.. i do not know what to do after.. now that he knows i WAS obssess with him... how i really wish he would know that it is now my choice to forget my desires... i would be willing to start a friendship with him, if only he will allow me... if fate will allow us to be friends, that i could assure that i would go nothing more than that.. i would not wish nothing more, nothing less. once i've seen a person as a good friend, once i passed the stage of my craziness, i could assure that past is past, and that the friendship i would offer would be pure...

i do not know what could happen next...in a few days, we will separate ways.. he will be facing a new world and here i am, living with the remaining days of my college life while i prepare for another stage called the career world, or for me, MED world... i do not know...

what i am after right now is to focus on my priorities... i know what i want, i know where i see my self a year after... i have to face my responsibilities... finding a love life is not my priority.. before hand, i made a pact with Him that i would graduate college without having a boyfriend at all.. and it doesn't matter.. i know, with my sked next school year, i cannot afford to have someone who will be called a boyfriend or a partner... if ever there comes a long they way, i'm sure it could wait.. for 20 years i lived single.. what more another year to wait, right?

just then, as always, i include him in my prayers... i just hope he will be happy with his life...in the same way i am now with mine...i will continuously pray that the friendship i have been long praying for will come on our ways... i hope the connotation of my obssession with him will diffuse from his mind... i am just glad for knowing him... and with my future... i am a smarter woman now... i am a woman of substance, i deserve to be cherished.. and as what every gentleman would say to a woman, "you are worth the wait"....